


I cannot be loved

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Lots of Angst, M/M, Post-Coital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki gets all angsty after sex. Tony tries to reassure him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I cannot be loved

**Author's Note:**

> Implied you-know-what.

Loki rolled on his back, still panting. His face half hidden behind damp hair, lips slightly parted, chest heaving. Tony loved watching him like this, exhausted, sweaty, well fucked out. And quiet, the most noticeable sign of the job well done. It was so unlike Loki to be speechless. It didn't make much to reduce him to stuttered 'yes' and 'please' but when he tried hard enough, Tony could completely silence Loki. Take away his ability to speak. Leave him breathless.

They lay next to each other long enough for Stark to think that Loki fell asleep. He was about to sneak out and grab a drink, and maybe have a quick snack when Loki moved. He glanced at Tony, just to see if he was awake, then looked away, as if he was hiding something. Most likely, he was.

'How long will it last?' He asked in a shaky voice. Tony snorted, greatly amused. Turning a god to a quivering mess is a sort of achievement.

'Certainly much longer if we go for a round two,' he purred, getting closer to Loki, gripping him tightly and maybe grinding his hips against Loki, just a bit, to empasise his words.

'No, I meant- this. You and I- us.' Loki didn't even sound annoyed by Stark's dirty mind, which was alarming in itself.

 _Us_. It wasn't anything permanent, nothing serious. Loki would come and go, they made no plans, never talked about the future. Perhaps it was the right time to discuss it finally, especially that now Loki would stay longer, come more often. The thin line between 'just sex' and 'something more', they crossed it wordlessly. Tony grew accustomed to Loki's presence, he missed the god as soon as he left, the time they spent apart was nothing more than awaiting. Tony sometimes thought he heard Loki's voice and his heart jumped in excitement.

He brushed his lips against Loki's neck and put one leg between Loki's knees. Loki was lying still, completely unresponsive to Tony's touch.

'As long as we want it.' Good, good. Nothing that would scare Loki off. He seemed to be afraid of commitment and Tony could hardly blame him. His family, that whole _adoption_ thing- a perfect recipe for trust issues. Also, the fact that technically they were enemies- that wasn't helping at all. Or Thor. He knew about them and as much as he tried, he couldn't hide his disapproval. He never specified if he was anxious about Loki or Tony, not that it really mattered.  

'I wonder when will you start hating me again,' Loki whispered, staring at the ceiling.

'I won't.' Tony wanted to believe that. He had seen helpless, vulnerable Loki- when he was asleep or half-conscious after a mind-numbing climax, or when he didn't know he was being looked at. He couldn't hate Loki, not after all that unplanned intimacy. 

'You shouldn't make such promises. You will not keep this one.'

'Loki-'

'You would not like me. If you really knew me. If you knew the real Loki. That would repel you for good.'

There are not many things as devastating as low self-esteem. Seeing oneself as a worthless, unlovable creature, a burden, nothing but a trouble. Successfully preventing oneself from being loved, wasting all the opportunities, avoiding everything that might help. Who would ever love Loki, if his father did not? If even as a sweet, plump child Loki didn't deserve it? 

'Oh, please, Loki, people with daddy issues stronger than yours are happily-'

'I was not talking about it,' Loki interrupted him coolly. 'I am telling myself not to start this subject, to keep quiet. I would ruin it if I dared to- We only met because of it but eventually, it would tears us apart.'

Tony guessed Loki meant the time after he fell off the Bifrost, how he was caught and convinced or brainwashed or forced into obedience. He never wanted to explain what exactly happened to him, what turned him from a jealous prince to a ruthless murderer. It wasn't that difficult to imagine how he was broken. Tony wasn't naive, he wasn't having much fun either, as a prisoner. 

'You can tell me everything, I won't judge you.'

'There would be no more nights like this. You would never touch me again. You would only pity me. No one likes nor loves pitiable, miserable people. No one wants to be around them. One cannot fall in love with someone who deserves only pity. It is impossible. Once you listen to one's heart-rending story, you can't-' Loki stopped abruptly, clenching his jaw. Tony considered arguing with him but Loki was so absorbed in his pain that he would not even hear him. 'You would not even have to tell me how repulsive I am. I wish I would not know your thoughts but it's always the same.'

'Loki.'

'Always the same.' 

'We can change that.'

'No. It would never work.'

'We can work it out,' Tony offered, not entirely sure if he did want it or was it just a challenge. He could show Loki that it's never as bad as he thought.

'No. I wish you were right but you are wrong. It would be so nice, wouldn't it, be accepted as you are, hmm? Wouldn't that be nice? I can predict your reaction, you would try to pretend but deep inside you there would be nothing but disgust and contempt and-'

'Stop it.'

'You want to see yourself as a generous, open-minded man, so you wouldn't push me away immediately. You would play the game, act like you still enjoy my company but both of us would know. I see the end, I saw it from the very beginning, but I have been lying to myself. I have no idea why do I even- why am I even here, since-'

'Let me stop you right here, before-'

'Why am I even trying?' Loki sat up and after a brief struggle got off the bed. Tony let him, sensing his determination. It was hopeless, explaining anything to Loki, he was so blinded. Perhaps he was right. They could never be happy together, so why bother. They both deserved better. Loki needed someone who would believe in him, who could break the walls he raised around himself. Maybe Tony didn't try hard enough. Maybe there was someone more determined.

Sometimes there's nothing one can do. Sometimes the only solution is to let go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I like that song, 'I cannot be loved'. But the title is not true, love is blind, so even the most fucked-up weirdos are loved.


End file.
